Backstory: They dated for 3 months. She broke up with him 3 weeks ago.
Setting: via email
Simone: Well, he texted....
(him, 12:22 yesterday) "so i have to be out at the facility the rest of the month for work. Three days in and I just wanted to say you are the toughest person ever, :D This sucks!"
(me, 2:30 yesterday) "Yes, it is soul crushing :s"
(him, 2:31 yesterday) "haha... and I turn into a bobbing head ponjabu after lunch when I wake up at 6am!"
I didn't respond after that.
Valentina: So, he texts you and it's light & breezy and you don't reply to his last texts? Why not? He's giving you an invitation to chat and catch up and you just walk away and drop the text? I don't get it.
Simone: I didn't respond because I got pissed. I haven't talked to him in 3 weeks and he sends me something random like that. I knew if I kept talking to him and didn't get an invitation to coffee or something, I would be upset. So I stopped.
Valentina: Well, here we go... Earlier this week you were wanting to talk with him & now you just blew your chance. So, as of right now you are never to complain to me that he doesn't contact you. Why? Because HE DID and you didn't give him any rope to keep going on. You just cut him off. How is he supposed to ask you to coffee if you don't give him the chance?
Simone: I thought his text was dumb. Why does it have to be a game, maybe he just wanted to drop in & had no intention of anything, so as opposed to taking the risk I stopped. Now you are confusing me, maybe I should text him later today. I did discover a band I know he would love .... He didn't even say he missed me :(
Valentina: Um, you're the one making it into a game. You make it WAY deeper than what it really is. You over think EVERYTHING when really it's just a simple "hello" text. A simple conversation between two friends. Nothing more, nothing less, there were no expectations tied to it. YOU are the one tying an expectation to it and getting scared that simple conversation won't lead where you expect it to lead to. You get scared and you drop out, not even giving it the chance to get there. If you continue to tie an expectation to something simple, you are only setting yourself up for disappointment. There is no risk if it is just two people having simple conversation.
Also, there is no way he's going to ask you to do something the first day he talks to you, he needs to feel the situation out first before taking that leap. And guess what? You let him know by not continuing the conversation to not take that leap. Now, if you want to be friends with him, you are going to have to talk with him.
Simone: I view me responding to his texts as taking the crumbs he's throwing my way. I know it's not a good way to think, but I do like him, so it's hard.
Valentina: Let me put this in perspective for you. You are whining that you hadn't heard from him in a long time. Now you do hear from him and you see it as him "throwing a few crumbs your way." You realize you are being completely insane right?
to be continued...