In The End.

I texted back and forth with Simone about this for days. She finally met up with him at a concert where they got along GREAT. Had a lot of fun and talked like nothing had really happened. Except, they clearly weren't together. Was he going to make a move? Was he going to profess his undying love for her and make everything okay again? No. None of that happened.

In the end, he went his way and she went hers. This is definitely for the best, the final meeting was a good way to get closure, to reassure herself that YES breaking up with him was the right thing because "I don't have special feelings for him, we are better as just friends."

A few weeks passed and they both ran into each other at a local bar. She was with friends, he walked in alone. Their eyes met and he stood there, fully aware of her presence but didn't wave or acknowledge. Not even a smile. They may as well have been perfect strangers who had never shared any intimate talks or time together. As infuriating as this is, it's for the best. One last nail in the coffin of the relationship that wasn't meant to be.

Is it a good sign?

..... continued

Simone: I'm bummed. I want him to miss me and invite me to do something. I just want more, and he is still not able to give it to me, clearly.

So we'll stop talking about it.

Valentina: So you want more from him? Look, the situation is delicate. You broke up with him, so at this point, it's going to be baby steps until it progresses to him asking you to do anything. You need to relax and take it slow right now. Stop getting frustrated that you aren't getting "more" at this point. You just recently started exchanging texts, stop rushing things. Stop expecting things. Maybe you like him, but you really have to stop expecting too much of someone, especially when you can't control what the other person feels or is going to do. Stuff doesn't happen by you snapping fingers and voila! You're texting him, that's good, it's a move in the right direction, if you are chill about it and no expectations.

I think you bruised his ego by breaking up with him. He's going to tread carefully now until he is sure, before making any type of move or leap to ask you to do something with him.

p.s. I'm furious with someone at work. I swear I could complain and have them fired. He's so incompetent.

Simone: It's not in my nature to be chill and have no expectations. It's something I need to work on, but that is like asking an addict to quit drugs or alcohol!

p.s. don't enable his incompetence, report him or you will just enable the problem.

p.s.s thanks for listening to me about all this, I know I can be crazy.

Valentina: Shut up. I'd listen to you all day long! I'm sorry I'm so harsh on you, but I think it's the only way to make you see things clearly. Try to not over-analyze.

The thing is, at this point, you aren't even allowing things to develop. You want him, but you aren't letting the work happen that has to happen before you get to go out again. Know what I mean? You're back at stage one. As if you just met him. You have to talk, text, get to know the other, before the date gets to happen. Work has to happen to make up for the break-up. The asking party needs to feel that if they go out on that limb to ask the other out again, they won't get turned down, that you would say yes. When you cut him off by not responding to one of his random texts that mean nothing, you essentially are telling him the answer is NO.

Simone: I'm wondering if him contacting me with frivolous talk is a good thing? I think I need to reevaluate what I want. I don't think I know what I want out of this, hence the craziness.

Valentina: I don't understand why you think it's frivolous talk. What is the talk supposed to be about? He's contacting you to make conversation, to touch base with you. If you give a little back then maybe the frivolous talk will turn into a deep conversation about whatever. But again, you have to go through the baby step of the frivolous talk. Especially when you haven't even texted or talked for a few weeks. He's feeling things out!

p.s. When will the day end?? I want to go home, I have so much to do and it's stressing me out that I'm stuck at work not getting other stuff done!

Simone: So do you think it's a good sign or not a sign at all? The frivolous talk?

p.s. I know, when will the weekend get here?

Valentina: YES! I think it's a good sign so you better stop being a brat and being short with him or not texting back or he'll stop contacting you all together!!!!

The Text Game

Backstory: They dated for 3 months. She broke up with him 3 weeks ago.

Setting: via email

Simone: Well, he texted....

(him, 12:22 yesterday) "so i have to be out at the facility the rest of the month for work. Three days in and I just wanted to say you are the toughest person ever, :D This sucks!"

(me, 2:30 yesterday) "Yes, it is soul crushing :s"

(him, 2:31 yesterday) "haha... and I turn into a bobbing head ponjabu after lunch when I wake up at 6am!"

I didn't respond after that.

Valentina: So, he texts you and it's light & breezy and you don't reply to his last texts? Why not? He's giving you an invitation to chat and catch up and you just walk away and drop the text? I don't get it.

Simone: I didn't respond because I got pissed. I haven't talked to him in 3 weeks and he sends me something random like that. I knew if I kept talking to him and didn't get an invitation to coffee or something, I would be upset. So I stopped.

Valentina: Well, here we go... Earlier this week you were wanting to talk with him & now you just blew your chance. So, as of right now you are never to complain to me that he doesn't contact you. Why? Because HE DID and you didn't give him any rope to keep going on. You just cut him off. How is he supposed to ask you to coffee if you don't give him the chance?

Simone: I thought his text was dumb. Why does it have to be a game, maybe he just wanted to drop in & had no intention of anything, so as opposed to taking the risk I stopped. Now you are confusing me, maybe I should text him later today. I did discover a band I know he would love .... He didn't even say he missed me :(

Valentina: Um, you're the one making it into a game. You make it WAY deeper than what it really is. You over think EVERYTHING when really it's just a simple "hello" text. A simple conversation between two friends. Nothing more, nothing less, there were no expectations tied to it. YOU are the one tying an expectation to it and getting scared that simple conversation won't lead where you expect it to lead to. You get scared and you drop out, not even giving it the chance to get there. If you continue to tie an expectation to something simple, you are only setting yourself up for disappointment. There is no risk if it is just two people having simple conversation.

Also, there is no way he's going to ask you to do something the first day he talks to you, he needs to feel the situation out first before taking that leap. And guess what? You let him know by not continuing the conversation to not take that leap. Now, if you want to be friends with him, you are going to have to talk with him.

Simone: I view me responding to his texts as taking the crumbs he's throwing my way. I know it's not a good way to think, but I do like him, so it's hard.

Valentina: Let me put this in perspective for you. You are whining that you hadn't heard from him in a long time. Now you do hear from him and you see it as him "throwing a few crumbs your way." You realize you are being completely insane right?

to be continued...

The Recipe

Remember when you were younger and you would sit in your room daydreaming of how your life would turn out? Then you got a bit older, maybe around college age, and you started to plan exactly how you would get all the things you wanted. The degree, the car, the boy, the wedding, the house. Then you got a little older and realized that you got all those things, in exactly the way you planned on getting them except the boy. You've gone through relationship after relationship, dud after dud and to no avail. What gives? What did you do wrong? Why did your hard work and determination pay off for every single aspect of your life but the love department? I'll tell you. Because there is no recipe for love.

I can hear the shock and awe now. I think there are so many girls out there thinking that if they follow set rules of what a girl should and shouldn't do that love will just fall into place. They find a good guy, they are having a good time, they are doing all "the right things" (whatever those are) and everything will progress just as expected. What is not being realized is that a relationship is two people. Two people coming together, working together, building a life together. There just aren't set steps or a check list to cross off "do all the right things" and it will work out. Love happens. For whatever reason, it just does. And when it's right, it's RIGHT, and it will last forever. But until that time comes we are left here to just figure it all out through trials and tribulations, amazing nights, incredible dates, butterflies in the stomach, heartbreak and stress. In the end though, it's the experiences that build our life and make US stronger. Stronger for when it IS right.

This blog is written for all the girls who are single and dating, in a relationship or married for years. It is dedicated to those who ever wondered "when is he going to call?" It is about those who think "should I ask him where he sees this going?" But mainly it is inspired by one of my dear best friends who daily texts, Blackberry Messages, and emails me the unending relationship questions of "but what if he doesn't ......."